Key Moments in Life
Ever since I became a clinical mental health therapist, I have used a certain tool in working with many of my clients. I call it a “geno-chronology,” and I wrote about the concept in a 2021 article in Counseling Today magazine.
The gist of it is this: I ask clients to consider “key moments” in their lives early in our work together as part of an effort to understand more about their families and upbringing. The genogram has been around a long time in therapeutic work as a type of “family tree” that also encompasses socioeconomic issues. I add a chronology to it seeking these key moments because the intersection of events and family matters provides powerful insight.
But what are key moments? In short, they’re impactful things that happen to people. Some are obvious, like births of children, marriages, deaths of loved ones, childhood or adult traumas. At other times, though, smaller things can be key moments for us.
Thanks to brain research over the last 20 years, we know that traumatic moments often become “frozen” in our memory circuits. It's why we can recall very specific sensory details of traumas; for example, the aroma of a certain cologne might make a person who had been physically abused as a child suddenly become hyper alert as an adult.
I also believe sensory details become frozen from attachment-related issues that might not be trauma, but can have long-term effects on our behaviors as an adult. Attachment issues relate to the way you were raised, typically by primary caregivers or influential figures early in your life. I’ll share one here that’s personal.
The image associated with this post is a picture of me at age 5. It was taken by my mother one weekday afternoon. I’m sitting in front of a dresser in my room. My mom had come in with a camera and said she just wanted to take my picture. I dutifully posed and she spent a little time with me. Because I was in kindergarten, which was only half a day at the time (yes, I’m that old), I was just playing. My two older sisters were at school.
I remember the exact moment my mom came in the room. I remember thinking this was weird. I remember sitting front of that dresser and the color of the dresser and my shirt. My oldest sister, Andrea, found the picture as she was going through hundreds of images after my mom’s death in 2017. It rekindled my curiosity.
Why has this particular, seemingly innocuous moment been the oldest memory I have in my brain?
I puzzled over this until I began work as a counselor and started doing my geno-chronology thing with clients. And then it struck me, and I’ve used it ever since as an example of what can be a key moment when I explain the geno-chronology concept.
This was the only time I can remember my mom ever spending one-on-one time with me as a child.
Hence, attachment issue.
I didn’t think I had a bad mom growing up. She just didn’t know very well how to relate to boys. Plus, I was the last child. What this meant over time was that I became an independent child, curious to figure things out and comfortable being alone, but also reluctant to share problems I encountered as a child. I’d just handle issues as best I could figure out rather than ask for help.
My mom’s behavior would show up again when she became a grandmother. She loved having the grandkids visit her in Florida, but she rarely interacted with them, something my oldest sister and I both picked up on.
Traumas and attachment issues have profound impacts on our lives and can haunt us for years in sometimes obvious, sometimes mystifying ways. Recognizing root causes and learning how to manage the impacts is a step toward healing.
A caution: If you have experienced trauma in your life, especially as a child, and you want to address it, please seek out a licensed therapist, who is trained to help you do this safely.